At this point, I almost feel like a broken record – except that I have been silent for so long, it is more like a broken record player. Yes, I am a bad blogger – and vlogger, to that point. Certainly beginning work on my Masters of Divinity has cut into my blogging time, as I am constantly writing and reading – but not about blog-able topics to be sure! We have also been grieving, though. Not only in the loss of our pregnancy two days after Mother’s Day, but also in the fact that our second, and last, round of IVF failed – and we have no remaining embryos, and a big question mark as we face our future.
As I sit back and reflect, and try to wrap my mind around the fact, that I may never carry a child, to term, on my own…that we may never have a biological child, I am reminded of the Bible verse that graces our kitchen’s chalkboard: Psalm 113:9.
He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD! (NLT)
I can never put from my mind the memory of the vision the Lord granted me nearly four years ago. Interestingly, I know of two other women to whom God gave a clear vision of a child or children who are still ‘barren’. It is easy to abandon hope and believe the God-given dream to be a figment of imagination, but faith reminds me He brings beauty from ashes. If we are to have a child now, after every medical option is exhausted, it is He who is glorified, and even more so. If we adopt a child someday, he or she will be appreciated and loved and rejoiced over that much more.
Our waiting in this season, as I approach my 35th birthday this week, reminds me that I felt like I hoped, prayed, begged, and waited for an interminable amount of time for Craig…and yet, God knew what He was doing. My husband was worth every bit of waiting, and appeared on the scene at precisely the right time in life.
While it is difficult to surrender all to Him in this instance, it is the only choice we have, and that still, small voice beckons me to drop my agenda and rest in Him.
Listen closely. What is His still, small voice asking of you?