I confess – it’s been way too long since we poured our hearts, convictions and faith out to you via this blog. I have felt guilty –‘wake me up in the middle of the night’ guilty…because I know that the Lord wants to use me, my marriage, my hardships, my faith, as a vessel for leading others to Him. But…it’s hard, y’all. It’s really hard.
You all know we followed His call to Maine this past summer – almost a year ago! But you may not know that we are back in Georgia. After nine months of sharing His love with the precious youth of Southern Maine, God planted the desire for ‘home’…and with that, the desire to adopt a child…and with that, the necessary funds to make all of this happen with a promotion to Captain for Craig and a great job for me.
So, here we are, back in Georgia – ‘home’, and totally neglecting this blog and this ‘ministry’ – after we have been so immensely blessed. And I feel so guilty.
And while you may think this is a shrug your shoulders, no big deal, get a grip lady! kinda thing…it really isn’t. You don’t know the e-mails we receive, telling us how something has touched one of our readers; the requests for prayer from some who follow this blog from prison…Yes, I feel guilty for letting these people down when I am so unimaginably blessed, and so many are broken.
But I confess something to you…I try to be strong. Full of faith. Hopeful. Prayerfully diligent. But I fall so hard.
There are at least two days every week when I sob and ugly cry alone because ‘it just isn’t fair’ that I can’t give my sweet husband a child.
It just ‘isn’t fair’ that instead of going out for lunch with my co-workers, I head downstairs to the building’s gym to work-out during my hour-long break. I don’t eat gluten, carbs, sugar, anything fun. I drink apple cider vinegar with baking soda, and take a regimen of coconut oil, but no matter what, my blood sugar refuses to cooperate, my hormones will not level out and I can’t shed a pound, let alone maintain my weight.
I’ve felt like Job.
I’ve felt like David in a mournful Psalm.
I try so hard to be strong, but I’m not.
Thankfully, He is.
Lamentations 3:19-24 (Contemporary English Version) says this:
‘Just thinking of my troubles
and my lonely wandering
makes me miserable.
That’s all I ever think about,
and I am depressed.
Then I remember something
that fills me with hope.
The Lord’s kindness never fails!
If he had not been merciful,
we would have been destroyed.
The Lord can always be trusted
to show mercy each morning.
Deep in my heart I say,
“The Lord is all I need;
I can depend on him!”’
Peter tells us this truth about our Savior:
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:7
Because friends, we are all human. We all cry and feel helpless and worry. But that isn’t the life the Lord wants for us. We are blessed in that our Lord tells us to hand everything over to Him, and just keep moving forward.
When I start to worry that Jonah will never arrive, that the adoption process will never move along, that I will never be able to have a body that functions like “it should”… I remember that He’s got this.
I remind myself that:
“Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him.” Philippians 3:8-9a (NLT)
And when I lay aside everything else, and focus in on Him and His AWESOMENESS, my troubles melt away and nothing else matters but basking in that love and sharing it with other people.
As my “Jesus Today” devotional reminded me this morning:
“The world applauds self-sufficiency…However, this is not the way of My kingdom. I want My children to recognize and rejoice in their utter dependence on Me…When the strain of living in the fallen world is getting you down, resist the temptation to feel sorry for yourself. Instead say to yourself, ‘I am blessed and thankful – and on my way to His Glory!’”