TTC Tuesday

Grieving What Never Was

Tuesday{Deep breath}

Oh, this is a hard topic. For me anyway…and for any of you out there who have experienced infertility. This post covers something never spoken about, but felt so strongly by those of us who have endured this trial. Those of you who have had no issues in conceiving a child might not understand this pain, but for those of us who know it – it stings. (What an understatement.)

Gena Golas of the blog “CT Working Moms“, writes in the Huffington Post about “The Five Stages Of Infertility Grief“, and while it might seem a humorous post for some…It is all too real to be laughable.

For those of us who deal with infertility on a daily basis, to hear: “Oh, it’ll happen. Don’t think about it so much. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.” or “It will happen as soon as you ‘stop trying so hard’,” is akin to being punched in the stomach. I can’t tell you how many times we have heard those phrases, and on each of those occasions, I have been forced to hold back my tears. Every time we see horror stories on the news about child abuse and neglect, I am reduced to a puddle on the floor – wondering why them, and why not us!?!? 

I will admit it gets harder and harder every single day to bow my head in prayer for the same thing Craig and I have been praying for for the past 16 months. I keep in my heart Hannah, Sarah, Rachel, the mother of Samson…Women of the Bible who were infertile only temporarily, until God stepped in and gave them a blessing, a miracle, an utterly amazing gift.

I keep these verses close by for comfort:

  • “…that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.” 1 Corinthians 2:5
  • “…God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20
  • “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

At the end of the day, this excerpt from the Infertility Survival Guide by Cindy Lewis Dake, hits the nail on the head of how Craig and I feel:

“We have a good life together. I don’t want us to “embrace the emptiness” that seems to swallow up some infertile couples. “Empty arms” doesn’t mean empty hearts. When a couple desperately wants a child, they begin to think their life is empty without one. They become completely centered on the quest for a child, financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. We don’t want that feeling to ever control us. We love our life together and want to always be satisfied with it, so if a child comes along, he/she will be an added blessing.” 

But it is the biggest struggle we have ever faced – together or apart – to go on without that blessing – wondering if we will ever be blessed with a child.

As always, we ask for your prayers.

All Our Love,

8 thoughts on “Grieving What Never Was

  1. P&C, I know this struggle is difficult. I pray that you will allow the joy of knowing you are loved by God to permeate every facet of your fight to overcome infertility so that your hope is strengthened and renewed each day. Persevere in HOPE!


  2. Beautiful post. So sorry you are going through this. It’s alarming how few people can understand what it’s like to be here, in the midst of infertility. I hope you will receive your awaited blessing and that you and your husband will continue enjoying each other while you wait. But it is so hard. And there are some good days, but a lot of hard days and harder days. Said a prayer for your family.


    1. Ria, Thank you so much for reaching out to us, and for your prayer. It is a daily struggle, and having a support group is such an awesome help! Reading some of your blog yesterday, I see we both are blessed with amazing husbands! Praise be to God for that wonderful blessing! We hope to see more of you at The Newlywed Lefebvres! I look forward to more of your blog, as well!

      God Bless,


  3. January 11 Jesus Calling Devotions says in part: When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for the answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises. Psalm 46:10 Colossians 4:2 2 Peter 1:3-4

    This devotion helped me realize that I keep asking Our Heavenly Father the same things over and over, things He knew concerned me before I asked Him. I am learning to thank Him and trust Him in His time for my good and that of my loved ones.


    1. Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful devotion! We love Jesus Calling!

      I read a devotional once discussing repeatedly asking for the same thing over and over in prayer. It directed you to remember to see God as your Heavenly Father, and think of the way you would ask your earthly dad for something you really wanted. The conclusion was that God knows what we want, but he reminds us in Phillipians 4:6 that He wants us to go to Him with every single thing on our hearts. We just need to remember that He has our very very best interest in mind.

      Craig & I still ask repeatedly 🙂 We just have given the Lord the reigns, and know He will bless us in His perfect timing.


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